New Blog Time!

Alas the time has come to transition to a new blog. I hope you continue to follow my adventures at:
http://revjessicaclay.wordpress.com

Thanks for reading!

I'm baaaccckkkk

Author's note: I wrote this entry in May. Now it is September. Update at the end.

May: I turned 34 last week. For some reason I am experiencing feelings akin to those that accompany me around New Years. Wistfully looking back while hopefully looking forward. Yet trying to remain in the present.

I feel like I am standing on the edge of a foggy cliff, looking forward with one foot in the mist, not sure what I will find when I take a step.

A year ago I had entirely different plans for my life right now. I was supposed to be embarking on a year spent volunteering around the world.

I decided in Fall to cancel the trip and instead take a trip inside myself. In the form of psychoanalysis. Embarking on intensive therapy has been overwhelming, but something had to happen. For most of my life I have lived side by side with depression and anxiety, and have tried short stints in therapy to no avail. The only thing that I found helped was escaping. Running away from family and myself.

In addition to therapy I have started taking a Mindfulness Meditation class. The basic premise behind this is to center oneself and practice kindness and being present.

So 34 brings a lot.

Present: Here I am seated on my couch, September the 2nd. Reading over the post that I never posted. Afraid of others comments and judgments. Mostly afraid of my own self judgments. So there it is.

3 months have past, my relationship ended within days of writing that post, and thus I did step off the cliff. I am traveling roads I have never been on before, practicing sobriety to bring mental clarity, applying to school for a new career, and facing the world with the feeling that life is full of surprises.

Buddhism teaches that out of great loss & suffering comes great wisdom, and I have found this to be so true.

I do not know what is around every corner, and I am slowly giving up trying to figure it out, instead trying to have a gentle acceptance and open heart to all that presents itself.

Fall is about change, renewal, and introspection. I enter this Fall as wide awake as possible, with a curious mind and heart. Come on world, throw at me whatever you have, I am ready for it.

Letting go....

I have lately had a lot of loss in my life. From the passing of my grandfather, to friendships changing, it seems as though loss has been a blanket around my shoulders. With loss I grasp at the things I have to try to hold them, shape them, and control what little I can in this world.

But I have come to realize that is not what I am here for. In seeing the gifts around me, part of acknowledging them as gifts is realizing that they come and go freely, just like people.

Moments in time when I feel such happiness and love surrounding me, I want to hold them and place them in a jar to open up when I need it. But that is like trying to hold water, it slips through my fingers to return to the earth, for someone or something that needs it.

This past weekend I had the amazing opportunity to attend a 14 hour in town yoga retreat. I am an aspiring yogi, this was my first ever yoga retreat. For me in the past, doing yoga two days in a row was overdoing it. So why did I sign up for 14 hours of yoga and meditation? Because I needed it. My soul needed it like a drink of water when I was at my most parched.

The teacher was the ever inspiring Dan Ward who led 17 of us on an amazing journey into ourselves. Through guided and non guided meditation I learned to feel comfortable with the quiet, instead of anxious and uneasy.

When signing up for the workshop the class that most intimidated me was a 3 hour workshop on inversions. That would be hand stands and such. The last hand stand I did was in a pool when I was 10. Despite the 20 year gap between handstands, I did try some of the inversions, and I felt really good! I could admire those around me who looked like they were taking a break from Cirque Du Soleil, and only feel mildly self conscious when I fell attempting poses. It was such a supportive atmosphere, and the mantra that I tuned into from Dan over the weekend was to stop trying to get a pose just right and just let go. Let go of trying to control what your body can or can't do, and sink into the poses. Give up control and give in to my body.

The universe seems to be in tune. Tonight at my cello lesson I heard the same thing from my teacher. To give up trying to control exactly how the cello sounds and relax. Through relaxing, I will produce better music.

It is so hard to let go, of people, things, experiences, and control. I hope that through letting go, I will make space for receiving, because life so far has given me so many gifts, I can't wait to see what is next.
Love, loss, life. Deep thoughts for me this Monday evening.

Cloth Napkins... A Rant

Cloth Napkins

How you vex me so.

Using you I feel eco friendly down to my big toe.

You seem oh so convienent at the time,

To wipe up spills of food and wine .

But then the wash occurs,

And then I see why this is a difficult choice for restauranteurs.

The Stains! Oh the Stains!

I feel I should abstain due to all the damn stains.

Buy dark napkins, one could say,

Alas those wrinkles will still come out to play.

I know I could iron, this is true.

But for now I will just keep them out of view.

In a closet, out of sight,

With only this silly poem and pic proclaiming their plight.

The Power of Words

I think sometimes people forget the power that words can have. Or they just don't care. I am going to go with the first choice.


Last week I was watching a stand up comic who I thought was hilarious until he dropped the F-bomb. Not the 4 letter F-bomb, the other one.

Faggot. 

I hate this word. I cringe inside my soul when it is thrown out and used. Commonly it is a generic insult towards everyone from Barney Frank to Al Gore, shoot Ann Coulter uses it likes it is candy. Why must it be used in comedy too? Why does it even need to be used at all?

Later that week I decided to watch a sitcom on HBO, next thing I know the word is there again. I know there are some people who think that you should be able to make fun of anything in comedy, and not need to be PC, but I am not one of those people. I think this word should never be used, it is so utterly offensive, and yet comedians are re-introducing it into our vernacular, thus people watching this may get conditioned and not think it is a big deal.

It is a very big deal. It is a word that has been used as an insult as early as 1914. Here we are almost 100 years later with it still in out vocabulary.

FBI studies have found that LGBT people are more likely to be victims of a violent hate crime than any other minority group in the United States. Additional studies have found that LGBT youth are 4 times more likely to commit suicide. Yet here we are in 2012 acting like we all live in insular caves with no responsibility for what leaves our mouths.

Words have power. Power to hurt, power love, power to heal. Martin Luther King Jr knew that, hopefully most of you reading this do too. But for those that don't let's not sit idly by and let it happen. Speak up and educate, remember we are responsible for each other, and this world we live in.

He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it.- Martin Luther King Jr

New Years Resolution #1

My first New Years Resolution is centered around volunteering.

I am going to try to volunteer at least once per month, and I challenge you to join me! Why not make 2012 the year of volunteering? The year of doing something.

Typically in the past I have volunteered a ton or not at all. I want to make a steady commitment to giving back, yet one that is attainable.

January will be spent manning phones at my favorite NPR station KCRW.

Ideas for other months include serving a meal to the homeless with my church and volunteering at my favorite kids camp.

These opportunities are open to all, so why not join me and help make 2012 the year of volunteering!

An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity. - Martin Luther King, Jr.