I have lately had a lot of loss in my life. From the passing of my grandfather, to friendships changing, it seems as though loss has been a blanket around my shoulders. With loss I grasp at the things I have to try to hold them, shape them, and control what little I can in this world.
But I have come to realize that is not what I am here for. In seeing the gifts around me, part of acknowledging them as gifts is realizing that they come and go freely, just like people.
Moments in time when I feel such happiness and love surrounding me, I want to hold them and place them in a jar to open up when I need it. But that is like trying to hold water, it slips through my fingers to return to the earth, for someone or something that needs it.
This past weekend I had the amazing opportunity to attend a 14 hour in town yoga retreat. I am an aspiring yogi, this was my first ever yoga retreat. For me in the past, doing yoga two days in a row was overdoing it. So why did I sign up for 14 hours of yoga and meditation? Because I needed it. My soul needed it like a drink of water when I was at my most parched.
The teacher was the ever inspiring Dan Ward who led 17 of us on an amazing journey into ourselves. Through guided and non guided meditation I learned to feel comfortable with the quiet, instead of anxious and uneasy.
When signing up for the workshop the class that most intimidated me was a 3 hour workshop on inversions. That would be hand stands and such. The last hand stand I did was in a pool when I was 10. Despite the 20 year gap between handstands, I did try some of the inversions, and I felt really good! I could admire those around me who looked like they were taking a break from Cirque Du Soleil, and only feel mildly self conscious when I fell attempting poses. It was such a supportive atmosphere, and the mantra that I tuned into from Dan over the weekend was to stop trying to get a pose just right and just let go. Let go of trying to control what your body can or can't do, and sink into the poses. Give up control and give in to my body.
The universe seems to be in tune. Tonight at my cello lesson I heard the same thing from my teacher. To give up trying to control exactly how the cello sounds and relax. Through relaxing, I will produce better music.
It is so hard to let go, of people, things, experiences, and control. I hope that through letting go, I will make space for receiving, because life so far has given me so many gifts, I can't wait to see what is next.
Love, loss, life. Deep thoughts for me this Monday evening.
